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THE FUNERAL
The funeral service has evolved through the years as a result of our instinctive wish to honor our dead and to comfort the bereaved. The ceremony of the funeral symbolizes the beliefs of a culture, its hopes, its ideals, its spiritual concepts.
Just as there is complexity in life, so are there many dimensions of the modern funeral. It generally involves religious, social, fraternal, civic and military organizations. It is affected by local, state and federal laws and regulations. But most importantly, the funeral is a vital part of the process by which the bereaved begins to adjust to a way of life that has been abruptly altered.
THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR
Most families have already given some thought to the choice of a funeral establishment, so when there is a death, they know whom to call. In the days immediately following a death, you will rely on your funeral director to be present when you most need his or her assistance—to help receive callers during the visitation, to guide you through the maze of paperwork and to offer support after the service.
And you can take comfort knowing he or she is also quietly working behind the scenes to take care of many important details for your family while creating a fitting tribute for the deceased. Possibly not until after the funeral service will you fully appreciate the vast amount of detail, the numerous specialized services and the tremendous responsibilities the funeral director has assumed in serving your family at this time of need and often for a considerable period of time to follow.
THE FUNERAL SERVICE
The type of service conducted for the deceased is specified by the family. Funeral directors are trained to assist families in arranging whatever type of service they desire. The service, held either at a place of worship or at the funeral home with the deceased present, varies in ritual according to denomination. The presence of friends at this time is an acknowledgement of friendship and support. It is helpful to friends and the community to have an obituary notice published announcing the death and type of service to be held.
RELIGIOUS SERVICE
If you are not affiliated with a church or synagogue, but wish to have a religious service, your funeral director can suggest a clergy. If a non-traditional service is desired, he or she can suggest alternatives that maintain the positive values and dignity of the funeral.
PRIVATE SERVICE
This service is by invitation only and may be held at a place of worship, a funeral home or a family home. Usually, selected relatives and a few close friends attend the funeral service. Often public visitation is held, condolences are sent, and the body is viewed.
MEMORIAL SERVICE
A memorial service is a service without the body present and can vary in ceremony and procedures according to the community and religious affiliations. Some families prefer public visitations followed by a private or graveside service with a memorial service later at the church or funeral home.
CREMATION
Though some people choose cremation because it is a simple alternative to traditional burial, you still have choice of a funeral service, graveside ceremony, or even burial. In fact, most families choose to bury the cremated remains.
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PALLBEARERS
Friends, relatives, church members or business associates may be asked to serve as pallbearers. The funeral director will secure pallbearers if requested to do so by the family.
HONORARY PALLBEARERS
When the deceased has been active in political, business, church or civic circles, it may be appropriate for the family to request close associates of the deceased to serve as honorary pallbearers. They do not actively carry the casket.
EULOGY
A eulogy may be given by a member of the family, clergy, a close personal friend or a business associate of the deceased. The eulogy is not to be lengthy, but should offer praise and commendation and reflect the life of the person who has died.
DRESS
Wearing colorful clothing is no longer inappropriate for relatives and friends. Persons attending a funeral should be dressed in good taste so as to show dignity and respect for the family and the occasion.
FUNERAL PROCESSION / CORTEGE
When the funeral ceremony and the burial are both held within the local area, friends and relatives may accompany the family to the cemetery. The procession is formed at the funeral home or place of worship. The funeral director can advise you of the traffic regulations and procedures to follow while driving in a funeral procession.
CONDOLENCES
The time of death is a very confusing time for family members. No matter what your means of expressing your sympathy, it is important to clearly identify yourself to the family.
FLOWERS AND FLAGS
Sending a floral tribute is a very appropriate way of expressing sympathy to the family of the deceased. Flowers express a feeling of life and beauty and offer much comfort to the family. A floral tribute can either be sent to the funeral home or the residence. If sent to the residence, usually a planter or a small vase of flowers indicating a person's continued sympathy for the family is suggested. The florist places an identification card on the floral tribute. At the funeral home the cards are removed from the floral tributes and given to the family so they may acknowledge the tributes sent. The caskets of Veterans may be draped with an American flag without charge from the Veterans Administration for you. After burial, this flag is presented to the next-of-kin.
MASS CARDS
Mass cards can be sent either by Catholic or non-Catholic friends. The offering of prayers is a valued expression of sympathy to a Catholic family. A card indicating that a Mass for the deceased has been arranged may be obtained from any Catholic Parish. In some areas it is possible to obtain Mass cards at the funeral home. The Mass offering card or envelope is given to the family as an indication of understanding, faith and compassion. Make sure that your name and address is legible and that you list your postal code. This will make it easier for the family to acknowledge your gift.
MEMORIAL DONATIONS
A memorial contribution, to a specific cause or charity, can be appreciated as flowers. A large number of memorial funds are available, however the family may have expressed a preference. Memorial donations provide financial support for various projects. If recognized as a charitable institution, some gifts may be deductible for tax purposes. Your funeral director is familiar with them and can explain each option, as well as furnish the donor with "In Memoriam" cards, which are given to the family.
SYMPATHY CARDS
Sending a card of sympathy, even if you are only an acquaintance, is appropriate. It means so much to the family members to know they are in good thoughts. The card should be in good taste and in keeping with your relationship to the family of the deceased.
PERSONAL NOTE
A personal note of sympathy is very meaningful. Express yourself openly and sincerely. An expression such as "I'm sorry to learn of your personal loss" is welcomed by the family and can be kept with other messages.
TELEPHONE CALL
Speaking to a family member gives you an opportunity to offer your services and make them feel you really care. If they wish to discuss their recent loss, don't hesitate to talk to the person about the deceased. Be a good listener. Sending a telegram expressing your sympathy is also appropriate.
VISITATION
Your presence at the visitation demonstrates that although someone has died, friends still remain. Your presence is an eloquent statement that you care.
Visitation provides a time and place for friends to offer their expression of sorrow and sympathy, rather than awkwardly approaching the subject at the office, supermarket or social activities. The obituary/death notice will designate the hours of visitation when the family will be present and will also designate the times when special services such as lodge services or prayer services may be held. Persons may call at the funeral home at any time during suggested hours of the day or evening to pay respects, even though the family is not present. Friends and relatives are requested to sign the register book. A person's full name should be listed e.g. "Mrs. John Doe". If the person is a business associate, it is proper to list their affiliation as the family may not be familiar with their relationship to the deceased.
Friends should use their own judgement on how long they should remain at the funeral home or place of visitation. If they feel their presence is needed, they should offer to stay.
When the funeral service is over, the survivors often feel very alone in dealing with their feelings. It is important that they know you are still there. Keep in touch.
SYMPATHY EXPRESSIONS
When a person calls at the funeral home, sympathy can be expressed by clasping hands, an embrace, or a simple statement of condolence, such as:
"I'm sorry."
"My sympathy to you."
"It was good to know John."
"John was a fine person and a friend of mine. He will be missed."
"My sympathy to your mother."
The family member in return may say:
"Thanks for coming."
"John talked about you often."
"I didn't realize so many people cared."
"Come see me when you can."
Encourage the bereaved to express their feelings and thoughts, but don't overwhelm them.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The family should acknowledge the flowers and messages sent by relatives and friends. When food and personal services are donated, these thoughtful acts also should be acknowledged, as should the services of the pallbearers. The funeral director may have available printed acknowledgement cards which can be used by the family. When the sender is well known to the family, a short personal note should be written on the acknowledgment card expressing appreciation for a contribution or personal service received. The note can be short, such as:
"Thank you for the beautiful roses. The arrangement was lovely.
"The food you sent was so enjoyed by our family. Your kindness is deeply appreciated."
In some communities, it is a practice to insert a public thank you in the newspaper. The funeral director can assist you with this.
CHILDREN AT FUNERALS
At a very early age, children have an awareness of and a response to death. Children should be given the option to attend visitation and the funeral service. The funeral director can advise you on how to assist children at the time of a funeral and can provide you with additional information and literature.
GRIEF RECOVERY
It is healthy to recognize death and discuss it realistically with friends and relatives. When a person dies, there is grief that needs to be shared. Expressions of sympathy and the offering of yourself to help others following the funeral are welcomed. It is important that we share our grief with one another. Your local funeral director can help family and friends locate available resources and grief recovery programs in your area.
THE PAPER WORK
Unfortunately, there will be a lot of paperwork. Your funeral director can assist you in securing all the benefits rightfully due you, guide you to the proper resources, and assist in much of the paperwork required to file for insurance, Social Security and Veterans Administration Benefits. Some of the assistance your funeral director can provide includes the following:
Death certificates necessary to file for insurance benefits;
Send an appropriate form of the death certificate to Social Security;
Direct you to your nearest Social Security office to determine current benefits and to file a claim, including Survivor Benefits, and Medicare Benefits to help pay the final medical bills if the deceased was 65 or over;
Obtain an American flag for any honorably discharged Veteran;
Assist you in applying for a Veteran's grave marker and in making arrangements for burial in a national cemetery for eligible Veterans and family members.
THE CASKET
Whether you are preplanning for yourself, or choosing for a loved one, casket selection is a very personal decision, and an expression of your feelings. A wide variety of caskets, in many price ranges, are available. You can rely upon your funeral director as an invaluable source to provide you with all the information you need to make a selection.
THE BURIAL VAULT
Although not required by law, you may desire to select a burial vault; a sealed, warrantied and lined outer receptacle used in cemeteries for underground interment. Outer burial containers may be required by your cemetery or memorial park, to help preserve the beauty of the property and reduce maintenance costs by supporting the weight of the earth and heavy equipment that may pass over the grave.
Wilbert® BURIAL VAULTS
Wilbert is the burial vault recommended by leading funeral directors across the nation, and selected by more families than any other brand. The value of a Wilbert brand burial vault can be measured by the peace of mind that a structurally sound, finely crafted burial vault offers the family.
Superior engineering and advanced technology combines with hand craftsmanship to produce every Wilbert vault. High-quality structural concrete is the basis of our vaults' strength and durability. Additional strength is added in the bonded interior liners, made of high-impact thermoformed plastics such as ABS Marbelon®, ABS Trilon® or Strentex®. Beauty and additional strength are added with interior linings of stainless steel, copper or bronze.
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